The Lies I Tell Myself

I tell myself it's weakness. To not be able to handle everything on my own. I tell myself that I'm supposed to live independently and that I shouldn't ask for help. I tell myself that I'm not worth it. That I've messed everything up so badly that I'll never be able to recover. I tell... Continue Reading →

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The Truth

I'm totally lost. I've changed. I look back on who I was 5 years ago and I can barely even recognize her. I used my talent. I focused on the right things. I was doing the thing with the adulting. But now, I can barely make it through each day. And I don't mean that... Continue Reading →

The Shame

Shame. I live with a lot of shame. So many things have happened in the last two years; so many things that I'm not proud of. Shame holds me down. It holds me back. Shame and fear of embarrassment. I was talking to my counselor today and she explained to me how shame was useful... Continue Reading →

The Aftermath 

Paranoia is a form of psychosis. Major anxiety can become paranoia. I used to live my life afraid. Ten years ago, I would purposely come home early and listen at the door because I was convinced something was going on with absolutely no evidence to support that.  I used to think the house would burn... Continue Reading →

The Cruelty Of Losing Her

My sister was amazing. After my dad died, we found out that, to add to the mix... we had an older sister we had never heard of. It wasn't shocking, but kind of unnerving. Until I started to get to know her. That summer, she came out to BC with her husband. I got a... Continue Reading →

The Nagging Emptiness 

Do you ever have a dream where you need to get something that's always just out of reach?  Or have that feeling you're forgetting something but you just can't reach it? Maybe you've had a word or a name on the tip of your tongue.... That's what I feel like. I used to give a... Continue Reading →

The Invisible Illnesses

You can't see what's wrong with me. After some time, you may start to notice my moods shift. You may come to realize that I'm not wired like most people. But you can't see what's wrong with me. He was probably in his forties. His balding head gave him the look of someone older. The... Continue Reading →

The Difference Between Us

Six months ago, I was in my car on the other end of a crisis line. I truly believed that the world was better off without me in it. Without a doubt. Nothing mattered. I couldn't bring myself to do my job. I couldn't parent. I couldn't face who I was or where I was... Continue Reading →

The Same Damned Decisions

I've heard it so many times... It's insane to do things repeatedly and expect to get different results. Yet.... We do. Lately things have felt so out of control. I'm getting better. I know I am. But also feeling impatient for changes that just... Take time. I want it all right now. And while my... Continue Reading →

The Chance Meeting

I can't describe how it felt. At first it was a bit like a kick in the stomach. The wind was knocked out of me without the physical blow. Then it became a dilemma. What was I supposed to do? How was I to proceed? What was the protocol here? After over twenty years of... Continue Reading →

The Only Way To Survive

Since being diagnosed, I've learned a lot. Not just about bipolar, but the brain in general. And about myself as a person. I don't always like the person I see in the mirror. It's ​a work in progress. See.... I'm pretty lazy. I know this. But I also know that healing from this crisis is... Continue Reading →

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