I’m struggling with this.
Right now all I do is sit in my car. I think. Things just race by… I watch the world. I listen to the radio. I have a million intentions and then it’s time to get home and focus. But even there I’ve lost myself.
I alternate between feeling like I’m alone in a very cold forest (birch trees), and feeling like a caged animal with no escape route.
I also exist on a plain of constant denial. I can’t think about all the things that I’ve single handedly ripped down around me as I’ve struggled. The weight of it is too much. It’s too heavy and I’ll do anything to not have to look at it.
I have a vague recollection of a woman who wasn’t struggling every single day to keep her head above the waves. And the damage is beginning to feel like a self fulfilling prophecy because the worse it gets, the more I think I’ve hit the bottom, the further I am sinking. More and more things keep happening and my life jacket seems faulty.
But I’m not ready to give in. And I’m not ready to give up. I put out a call to be rescued and I know that the lifeboat is on the way.