I’very been pretty good at hiding the truth.
I tried counseling before, but I’ve always found that my energy was spent on saving face and making the other party like me instead of actually honestly talking about what is going on.
This results in a lot of wasted time and money. In May, when I started seeing a counselor to tackle the issue of problem gambling addiction (which I will explore in more detail at a later date), I started off by admitting this pattern of behaviour and by stating I wanted to be more accountable with my struggles then I had been previously.
And for the most part it worked. But sometime in august I stopped remembering my appointment schedule. I stopped answering calls. I opted out of my life again. The one day in September when she finally caught up with me, her question was…. “what happened in your life that changed?”
I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t identify it. But now I’m wondering if the change was simply me.
Honesty has consequences. We teach our kids to be truthful but in reality truth has to be selective. There are some truths that are better left unspoken. And sometimes it’s really really tough to know the difference.
During a risk assessment last week I was torn on how honest I should be. There’s cause for concern going forward that some of coping mechanisms and lack of reliable decision making could put my daughter at risk.
And if you haven’t yet grasped the common thread, what I really want out of this is to reconnect with my daughter. My entire life I felt rejected by my father and it breaks my heart to think for a second that in a different way I’m doing the same thing to her.
But I’m torn up because I want to be here. I do. But I want to be a good mom when I am. Not lost in a spiral of guit and shame and blame. I don’t want to be volatile or hard to predict or understand. And I don’t want to teach her that these behaviours are right.
So I was honest. And unfortunately my truth qualified as reportable to the ministry.
Which terrified me. Because I know myself and I know that I would sooner disappear than hurt her or put her in danger. But I had to keep faith that my dedication to that was going to shine through to anyone who was assigned my case.
Where was the fear coming from?
I know that our home is safe. Where I have slipped, my significant other has picked up the slack.
So my real fear is more that I never want anything to touch her that makes her scared or threatens her sense of security in her home.
But honesty has to be a part of my accountability plan. As uncomfortable as it may be.
Telling the truth means I’m facing the truth and that’s a step in the right direction.