The Switch

They call it Mixed Episodes.

In other words, quite often I’m off my rocker. One minute I’m up, the next minute I crash. And it changes everything. Suddenly I hate my reflection. Everything I’ve ever done is garbage. Everything I touch I’ve ruined and if I haven’t yet, I will soon. It feels real and true and tangible. I’m a monster.

But then I’ll swing the other way. The life of a pendulum. I’m meant for great things. And I intend to achieve them. I start but never finish. I swear that this time I’ll do right by myself and the people that love me. I’m on top of my game and I can’t lose.

It’s confusing.  For me and those impacted by me. In both states I make irrational decisions.  In both states I can be unreliable.  Forgetful.  And so lost in my own head that I forget to consider things that matter. Consequences. The future in any capacity.

It’s hurtful when people leave. This has forever been my ultimate truth. And I’m so tied up in that belief that I’ve failed to pay any mind to the people who stay. In fact, I’ve allowed that truth to push people away. I frustrate those who love me. And the closer we get, the worse it is. Well. They always say that we hurt the ones we love.

I fixate. I don’t know if that’s the disease or just me, but I get stuck on something… sometimes small and sometimes big. They asked me when I was diagnosed if I had obsessive behaviors but they described rituals rather than fixation. I don’t have rituals. Or ways which I believe i can create or avoid catastrophic occurrences.  Still, I wonder if the two are so different. If I can’t get a thing out of my head, when does it become an obsession? And if I model all patterns of behaviour to support my obsession… does that indicate that something bigger is at work?

What does a healthy mind look like? If I am bipolar as they say I am, what’s a realistic expectation of the healing process?  As the dose increases and the moods finally stabilize,  am I going to adapt to a normal life? Or will I always feel the swings to a lesser degree? It’s so confusing to go from fourth gear into reverse.  How long until things stabilize and I can function again?

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