The Dull Roar

I’ve been quiet. 

It’s not indicative of a quiet mind, or even that I have nothing to say. It’s more that I’m so full of things that I’m struggling to pull a topic out and stay focused on it.

Every day is a little better. I am no longer getting headaches fronts lamotrigine, which were almost debilitating. I’ve seen the psychiatrist I was waiting for and the diagnosis changed from bipolar I to bipolar II with borderline personality. That’s not surprising to me at all.

I am trying. Harder now than think I have in years. It’s a lot to take on. And there are a lot of times when I peel back one layer only to reveal so much more work for me to do.

I’m still suffering from my existential crisis though mainly only when things go wrong. I have a hard time with the futility of our lives. I shudder to think that we slave our lives away just to watch everything we love wither and die. It feels like a cruel and wasteful joke. And yet I am acutely aware that the ability to ponder such things is only a result of winning the evolutionary birth lottery.

Is there any point? Does there need to be a point? Am I missing the point by putting so much time into trying to grasp the point?

My uncle used to tell me that I would make a great philosopher but that no one was going to pay me to sit around and think.

Doesn’t look promising as a career path.

One other benefit to seeing the psychiatrist was that she put me on abilify which has flipped a switch inside me. Instead of busying myself with ….wasteful time leeches…. I’m able to bring myself to do the things I would normally neglect or avoid. Housework, I mean. And in this same vein Im becoming better able to consider my family in my decision making.

It’s progress.

I have moments where I feel like myself again. Moments of personal clarity that give me hope. And I started taking photographs again… Last week it stirred up real feelings of excitement and passion.

I haven’t felt that in two years.

Im finding my center. I still unable set goals and Im resistant to sleep and routine. But all in all I think I’ve been on the right track. Im just going minute to minute, hoping that I’ll be okay.

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