Change is ok. I like spontaneity. I like adventure. I like to be kept on my toes.
I’m not super motivated to make changes in my life that are going to settle me down and level me out.
Yet that has to be the name of the game to avoid mania.
Take yesterday for example. I’m always the one who wants to go play. Going for a walk with my family is ideal. Yesterday that was exactly what we did, but I was a slug. I had no motivation or desire. I was, in fact, a total downer.
Is this level?
I mean, shit. It’s the name of the blog. That’s the entire process and end game here. We want me level so I can make good decisions that move us in the direction of our goals. But does that mean zapping the motivation out of me? Was it just a bad day? A one off?
I really don’t have the answer but the experience has me nervous.
I’m still committed to the routine. It’s hard but I’m realizing the importance. I am trying to connect myself to my life as it is and as it can be. I’m trying to connect with the people around me. I want to learn to trust.
And I’m trying to challenge the idea inside myself that being bipolar and borderline means that there’s something wrong with me. It’s sometimes implied that these issues might be indicative of my unwillingness to change or settle. I’m trying to accept that, no actually. this isn’t a choice or a lack of skill. It’s a matter of learning how my brain chemistry works and how to use that uniqueness to my advantage.
That’s all I can do, right