The Disappointment

This shit is work.

I think everyone wishes there was someone that could just fix everything. It isn’t like that. There never an easy way out without a catch. 

I was terrified and ashamed when I was diagnosed. After that I was relieved because at least now I had a direction to go in. Who knew that the direction was immediately and exceedingly uphill?

Certainly not I. I know I’m making progress in some ways, while in other ways I am not as much.

Or at all.

There are bad days.

Today I felt like everything I touched turned sour. I tried to use my DBT skills to stay calm. Mostly it worked.

I had rage flare up a couple times. I’m pretty Moody.

Sleeping is still a problem because I don’t like getting knocked out by drugs but when I don’t take them I don’t sleep. When I don’t sleep I fall back into poor decision-making and a lack of foresight.

It’s rough.

I don’t like sleeping pills because I feel like I lose control. I never thought I was a control freak but as it turns out.. . In this I am. It’s the same reason I don’t drink; I don’t want to let go of the reigns. It’s a state of being that I unnerves me.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t like downers.

It is frustrating to be resistant to your treatment plan. It’s frustrating to be in a newborn state where you don’t even know which drugs are going to do what. They say you are probably going to have to change and adjust in a trial and error mind fog. 

Cool. Let me put my life on hold to achieve basic stability.
The truth is, all around on my good days I feel significantly better. That’s progress and progress is the goal.

Progress to acknowledge that things are positive, even when the day is going poorly.

I have to admit it’s getting better. A little better all the time.


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