The Mindnumbing Busyness

I’m busy.

Not only have external circumstances come together to create busyness, but I’ve signed on to doing a lot of things.

I’m writing again, like… For clients. And lucky for me, content curation is still coming easily. It feels good to be good at something.

I’ve started booking photography sessions again which I totally love doing. The response has been great and I’m so excited to be back on that horse.

I’m taking a class on writing creative nonfiction which is challenging but feels so good. I’m hopeful that I’ll do well and finish feeling satisfied.

I’m also still taking a course on emotional regulation and it feels like it’s really helping. I’m still not able to cope with loss and grief very well, but my main focus right now is on my lack of acceptance.

I spend a lot of time fighting with myself over things that I can’t change. It creates a lot of stress where there shouldn’t be.

Things are what they are.

I’ve also joined a support group for people with similar issues. There’s a program to follow that leads to some form of better living and I am not willing to knock it before I try it. Plus, it’s introduced me to some pretty fantastic people. It’s been a highlight of my week since starting and that’s a great feeling.

I know that things aren’t perfect and that I have a great deal of work to do on me, but I think I have got myself pointed in the right direction.

I’m afraid, sometimes, that an episode is coming because I feel so normal. Even slightly elevated. But so far, the motivation to get better isn’t wavering at all. That’s important to pay attention to because a lot of manic episodes mean starting big projects and quickly losing interest in them.

I haven’t been losing interest though. I’ve even got a crafty hobby that I’ve been doing since March. I don’t think anything has held my attention that long, ever. Well, aside from writing and making photographs.

I’m struggling to let go of the feeling that the other shoe is about to drop. I want to learn to enjoy things as they come and as they are, instead of wasting so much time ruminating over the things I wish were different. And I’d like to shed the idea that things will inevitably be tough again because …… Of course they will. Sometimes things happen and we have shitty days, weeks, months… Even years. But it’s killing me to be so anxious all of the time.

About you. About me. About what you’re thinking about me. About yesterday and tomorrow. About my wrongdoings and misgivings and mistakes I’ve made and have yet to make. It’s exhausting.

And I’m trying to learn how to not hide. I’ve got trust issues and a guarded heart. But I know how good it feels when I can let someone in and I want to explore it more.

I’m like a child, trying to figure out what trust actually is. I’ve spent most of my life as if it were a one man show and it’s time to open my heart up and get vulnerable.

So I’m going out on limbs. I’m asking questions and practicing skills and I’m changing a little bit everyday.

I didn’t want to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but as long as we’re focusing on acceptance, I’m glad I’m here. I’m lucky to have found the right diagnosis and to have the access to the meds I need to treat it.

I’m not without slip ups. I’ve had an occasional meltdown. But all in all I think the scale is tipped in a positive direction.

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