I’ve never lived in the real world.
This is news to me. I had no idea. Though admittedly I had heard rumours… “You have a hard time accepting what IS.”
By “hard time” they mean a complete unwillingness to accept life. It’s the truth. Things happen and I just keep shutting them out. Nothing can touch me because I refuse to acknowledge that things are what they are.
And I’ve been in this state of denial forever. It’s why I can’t handle conflict or criticism. I’m not willing to see the world for what it is.
Which means that I ruminate on things that I can’t change. It’s like I somehow I think I’m above having to face adverse conditions. It’s like ….if I don’t accept it, it can’t be real. But in the end I’m only wasting my time and causing undue suffering.
To myself and thereby also those who love me.
So I’ve come to terms with the fact that I accept nothing, but I know it needs to change…. Only thing is I have no idea how to do it.
I’m learning a skill called distress tolerance. It basically operates with the assumption that you are GOING to experience trauma and pain, and how to press pause and assess the situation and identify how you can fix it, if at all…. And then…. How to cope.
Valuable lessons if you can get them through your head. I’m hoping that they tie together and that by learning to tolerate and work through distress, I’ll also come to terms with that which I need to accept.
I’ve never really moved on from any of the hurt in my life. I hold it close and guard it, while preventing myself from getting passed it. It makes heartbreak into a hotel that I’ve checked into and never left.
I want to change that. I want to let go of people and things when they no longer serve my journey, instead of holding things that continue to hurt me.