The Same Damned Decisions

I’ve heard it so many times… It’s insane to do things repeatedly and expect to get different results.

Yet…. We do.

Lately things have felt so out of control.

I’m getting better. I know I am. But also feeling impatient for changes that just… Take time. I want it all right now.

And while my meds are tackling paranoia and depression really well, I’m still struggling with a lot of things.

This shit is hard. And it’s hard to come to terms with the idea that I need meds for pretty much the rest of my days to stay level. There are so many opportunities to fuck up during a day… I guess the odds are something will go sideways.

And it feels like it always does.
But the positives are there… I’m less detached than I was 6 months ago. I’m learning to be honest as I’m learning to trust. 

It’s tough for me to remember that this isn’t a one man show. That it’s okay to be not okay. And it’s okay to ask for help.
I didn’t realize just how bad it is. I’m resistant to so much support and love. I’m so afraid of being damaged that I live my life as though I was alone. I’m not.

It’s selfish. I’m quite selfish.

But every day I work in get better. And I’m making progress.

Just slowly.


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