The Gratitude

YouI have never been grateful. Not really. Not in the ways I should have been. I had an epiphany a few weeks ago. It's taken me this long to sort out the words to explain what I'm feeling. I have a real history with negative self talk, but we're on a break right now. Today... Continue Reading →

The Questions

How long does this process take? When will I be all better? Will I ever be okay again? What could I have done differently? Am I still me? I mean I thought I knew who I was, but it seems like all that has changed. Am I living as someone I don't even really recognize? ... Continue Reading →

The Appearance And The Reality

My friend lives next door to a beautiful house. It's immaculate. The garden impressed me from day one. Often, when I stop by, the neighbouris outside tending to her plants or washing the car. She obviously holds her home appearance in a position of high importance.... Except I was shocked the first time I stepped... Continue Reading →

The Bad Days

On bad days I feel like I've lost control. I collapse under the weight of simple tasks. I'm literally snarling. Gnashing my teeth and crying for mercy from someone I don't believe in. At those times I feel helpless.  Today was 85 percent this way. It's hard to see the light on these days. Harder... Continue Reading →

The Disappointment

This shit is work. I think everyone wishes there was someone that could just fix everything. It isn't like that. There never an easy way out without a catch.  I was terrified and ashamed when I was diagnosed. After that I was relieved because at least now I had a direction to go in. Who... Continue Reading →

You know those people who say they have no regrets? I've always been one of those. I've heard other people say they never trust one of us, but i didn't really understand why. Maybe it's the medication. Maybe it's the forced routine. Maybe it's my willingness to work for this. Whatever it is, it's changing... Continue Reading →

The Outside

People don't get it. I've written since i was tiny. Four years old. I was always wired for language. I devoured books, then moved to writing my own experience. I'm honest in my writing. It's not an endeavor that requires much from me; writing is like breathing. Taking two years off is... Not ideal. I... Continue Reading →

The Commitment

Change. Change is ok. I like spontaneity. I like adventure. I like to be kept on my toes. I'm not super motivated to make changes in my life that are going to settle me down and level me out.  Yet that has to be the name of the game to avoid mania. Awesome. Take yesterday... Continue Reading →

The Fear

Bipolar is terrifying. I will be the first to admit that I didn't really know the first thing about it. I only retained the minimum amount of information necessary to navigate the few people I had met with the disease. I had a neighbour once who was bipolar. I was only eighteen but when I... Continue Reading →

The Breaking Point

Hi. My name is Lindsay and I've got issues. I mean... I knew I had issues... I even understood which issues I had (for the most part) and how they got there. My interest was less in my having issues and more in how to fix them. The problem with that is that I mistook... Continue Reading →

The Dull Roar

I've been quiet.  It's not indicative of a quiet mind, or even that I have nothing to say. It's more that I'm so full of things that I'm struggling to pull a topic out and stay focused on it. Every day is a little better. I am no longer getting headaches fronts lamotrigine, which were... Continue Reading →

The Switch

They call it Mixed Episodes. In other words, quite often I'm off my rocker. One minute I'm up, the next minute I crash. And it changes everything. Suddenly I hate my reflection. Everything I've ever done is garbage. Everything I touch I've ruined and if I haven't yet, I will soon. It feels real and... Continue Reading →

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