The Regret

You know those people who say they have no regrets? I’ve always been one of those. I’ve heard other people say they never trust one of us, but i didn’t really understand why.

Maybe it’s the medication. Maybe it’s the forced routine. Maybe it’s my willingness to work for this. Whatever it is, it’s changing me. 

I do have regrets.

And now i can’t help but wonder if my whole life was based around an undiagnosed disorder.

That’s what it is. It’s disorder in my brain and my life. Noise. Constant mess. Power through everything like you’re invincible. Go. Big. Or. Go. Home.

Literally my entire life. Hedonism. Reckless abandon. Then comes the depression. Here we go again… I’m nothing. Everyone is nothing. Does anything i do even matter?

Swinging back and forth between the two. Endlessly swinging.

Paranoia. Obsession.

But never regret.

I’ve spent too much time being ungrateful. Too much time being preoccupied with the way i thought things should be. 

I regret that now.

It’s hard coming out of the darkness and finding the light. It sounds pleasant. Ideal. But the light can be terrifying when it shows you what you’ve done. A crystal clear picture of what you’ve done.

Regret. Resentment. Rage.

Defensiveness and embarrassment and outright shame.

I have to be better. I want to be better. Because I’m seeing things clearly for the first time.